“Marie Kondo” your behaviors, not just your closet

“Marie Kondo” your behaviors, not just your closet

“Marie Kondo” your behaviors, not just your closet

If you caught the Netflix miniseries Tidying Up, you’ve watched the ways in which she’s instructed families to sift through their belongings and release them back to the world when they no longer “spark joy.” In our office, we’ve discussed Marie’s wisdom and what it can offer to our clients and our own sense of well-being.

Her first step is to bring out into the open everything you own in a particular category. We often don’t know what all we have hidden away until we’ve taken it from hiding places. When faced with our large quantities, we can fully grasp the extent of what we have, what we’ve been hanging onto and put it into perspective.

Next, she suggests we hold an item in our hands to feel its weight. We let ourselves not just think about it, but have a physical experience of its presence in our life. And then we ask a crucial question: does it spark joy? Or perhaps, is it a conduit for joy? If it does “spark joy”, then it can find a proper home. But if not? Then we take a moment to thank the item for its service in our life, and we pass it along to be given away or discarded completely.

This process, which often leads to much purging through the home, can be helpful in our mental and emotional lives as well. Our EMDR-based philosophy recognizes that particular behaviors have been adapted because they served a purpose: to keep an individual alive and functioning during or after a point of trauma. It’s an old solution that no longer works.

We can actually be grateful to our survival mechanisms because they served a purpose, for a period of time. But just like that tattered college-years hoodie, it doesn’t serve the same purpose anymore. With the help of your treatment provider, you can acknowledge these behaviors, thank them for their service, and then be done with them. With the new spaciousness, you’ll find freedom to adapt lifestyles more congruent with your present instead of your past.

But what about sentimentality? How can we get rid of the mementos and reminders of our history? Holly Schweitzer-Dunn, LISW, reminds us that we can respect and honor our past without keeping it right in front of us. Letting go doesn’t diminish its history, but hanging on may diminish the future.

Surfing Why you should Marie Kondo Your Relationships

Reading Real Love: The art of mindful connection by Sharon Salzburg; The Universal Christ by Richard Rohr; Mothers, Daughters and Body Image by Hilary McBride; Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana

Listening The Robcast: Kristen Bell on Anxiety, Part 1 and Part 2; Another Name For Every Thing

Watching One Strange Rock on Netflix

Visiting Sunny Florida! Nicole, Michele and the Schweitzer-Dunn family made recent trips.

Eating Holly recently dug out the greens for a fresh pesto!

Moving NeuroMovement- Learn more from Jill Bolte Taylor and Anat Baniel

Hancock County Park District is sponsoring a free Take a Walk in the Park day on March 30. And Aqua Zumba meets Holly’s need for a little bit of silliness and fun in a workout.

Registering The 3rd Annual Jenelle Hohman Color Me Happy 5k Run/Walk to support Hancock County NAMI is coming up May 18

Leading Andrea led a workshop on the Enneagram at the Findlay MOPS group and our office will be conducting a breakout session at the University of Findlay’s upcoming conference on Trauma and Addiction.

Creating Planning an herb and vegetable garden to be planted soon!

Resting A trip to Miami for family R&R

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The 5 Senses Check-in: Spring addition

The 5 Senses Check-in: Spring addition

The 5 Senses Check-in: Spring addition

  1. Make note of the color that is quickly changing across the landscape – greener grass, bright crocuses, and longer hours of daylight.
  2. Sniff out the earth’s work – even the smell of mud and earth carry with it a promise of something new.
  3. Listen for new hope – baby birds in the morning makes it a more pleasant way to wake up.
  4. Get a taste for the greens – our early asparagus, kale, and arugula help us connect with the brightness and lightness that await our days.
  5. Walk (barefoot!) – notice the texture of the ground beneath you as you take a brief walk, making connection with all the changes underfoot.

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Spring Cleaning for your Mental Health

Spring Cleaning for your Mental Health

Spring Cleaning for your Mental Health

 Once the seasons shift to allow the windows to open, we start to shed our inclinations to burrow much like a bear coming out from hibernation. As we stretch our legs into the springtime, take a moment to notice the natural energies that arise. Perhaps you recognize the pull towards the sunshine, opting to walk instead of drive, or you finally garner the energy needed to wipe down the winter’s dust from baseboards and ceiling fans that you hadn’t noticed for the last three months.

Whatever the case, the rhythms of the vernal months direct us toward a season of release. “Spring cleaning” isn’t a chance activity; our predecessors understood the inherent value of letting go of winter’s residue (and germs). Even our religious cultures lean into this notion, with the tradition of Fat Tuesday lending itself to the act of cleaning out the pantry before the fasting season of Lent. The wisdom of Ayurveda, the sister science to yoga, employs a spring practice of reducing to a mono-diet that is low (or free of) salt, to help the body release the waters it has retained.

A period of taking in less and even ridding yourself of the excess in your environment will, through the mind-body connection, shift your experiences. Research has shown that reducing clutter in your physical space will change your brainspace, which is why Marie Kondo (of the life-changing magic of tidying up fame) says, “a cluttered room leads to a cluttered mind.”

This spring, consider a brief moment of evaluating your life circumstances to notice if there’s an element that needs to be released. Perhaps it’s an old thought pattern or defense mechanism that once served our bodies and minds as a form of protection; instead we can look to new patterns that allow us to grow, much like the tulip breaks free of its underground bulb to bloom. Or maybe you could look at a habit, mindlessly or even joyfully adopted, which has now become a starting place for stress.

The world is alive with a fresh energy for growth and your mind and body share that capacity for change.

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It’s [Too Easy] to Say I’m Sorry

It’s [Too Easy] to Say I’m Sorry

It’s [Too Easy] to Say I’m Sorry

It’s [Too Easy] to Say I’m Sorry

When it comes to family therapy and working with the dynamics of couples, one of the key elements of our work is cultivating a sense of connection through communication skills. Demonstrating an effort at empathy and concern can come through how we apologize – or not.  

Of course some individuals trend toward the side of being unable to effectively apologize for moments that cause harm to a person or relationship. Either the lack of verbal recognition or failure to attempt a change in behavior in the future can leave another person feeling unimportant or disrespected.

However, more often in our Sensible Midwestern Culture, and particularly among women – some people tend to default toward apologies when they aren’t necessary or warranted. What’s wrong with saying “I’m sorry” when you see someone experiencing anguish, or even slight discomfort, even when you didn’t cause it?

“I call them serial apologizers,” says Nicole Flores-McCune, LISW-S. “They actually lesson the power of a good apology when they use them all the time. It takes away from the moments when they need to call upon the words “I’m sorry”  and causes them to feel inauthentic.”

Apologizing for taking up space in public places like a grocery store aisle or being late when held up by traffic doesn’t convey a sense of sorrow, the true weight the words of an apology were meant to carry. Over time receivers find the phrase hollow and when circumstances require a true apology, you find it hard to convey your true sentiment.

Often we find our Serial Apologizers using hollow expressions of regret as a symptom of perfectionism, which exacerbates the sense of not enough they feel. This is why they feel compelled to apologize for saying no and drawing healthy boundaries, or even taking time, energy and resources to take care of themselves. They use “I’m sorry” as a way of softening the blow of “no.”

If you’re a Serial Apologizer, here are a few things to remember:

  1. You are entitled to “no.”  You don’t have to be sorry for saying it.
  2. Recognize that errors happen to everyone. Not all errors cause sorrow.
  3. Express your actual feelings rather than your expected feelings. If you trying to move  through a physical space and you bump someone, it would be a fine to say “pardon me.” If running late, express gratitude for someone’s patience in waiting for you rather than overextending sorrow.
  4. Elevate your own worthiness to the level you place others’. If you would cheer on a friend who took time for herself or put distance in a toxic relationship, then do the same for yourself – without apology.
  5. Find new ways to convey your attempts to do better without using blame statements: I’ll do better next time or that didn’t go the way I planned or even how could I improve this? are statements that allow you connect with someone without the weight of shame that Serial Apologizers often carry.

Over-apologizing is usually a sign we are taking on more responsibility than is truly ours to carry.  Pausing to acknowledge this and then asking ourselves “what do I really what to convey?” can help identify what we really mean.

“I’m here for you.”

“I feel for you.”

“I wish I could make it better.”

“This is so painful.”

“I feel powerless.”

 

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Partnership

Partnership

Partnership

Conversation hearts that read “QT Pie” can be adorable at the beginning of a relationship, but after 15+ years of marriage, messages that say “I went ahead and cleaned up the dog poop” actually go further to add vitality to a partnership. “We don’t fall in love and then get married; instead we get married and then learn what love requires,” says theologian Stanley Haurwas. Romance has its place within a relationship, but experience tells us that people want a living situation that supports their individual contributions to the world with companionship. We’re looking for partnership.

Mind Body Health Associates co-owners and therapists Landon Dunn and Holly Schweitzer Dunn work to create partnership in marriage and in their work-world. Having healthy systems and structures within their personal relationship has enhanced their work life because they’re practiced at looking for one another’s natural gifts and allowing that person to lead from their competence.

Both Holly and Landon recognize it’s not just about the role they play. They each complete tasks to keep the business – or the household – running smoothly.  Trust makes the relationship, business, and household systems work. Each person believes the other is capable to meet and overcome the challenges that arise.

“Landon and I are somewhat unique in that we split everything in terms of household responsibility down the middle,” Holly said. “We know this arrangement does not work for every family, but for ours it is key to things running (mostly) smoothly. There really aren’t male or female-specific roles.  We both raise our children, fold the laundry, work in the yard, and run the business. ‘Everything together’ is our motto.”

This lifestyle also depends on dedication to structures to help keep the balance. They keep a routine splitting dinnertime responsibilities and school drop-off duties 50/50. In this way, Landon and Holly each are afforded a few evenings to come home, sit down, and enjoy dinner after work. The key, the couple agrees, is seeking to understand and meet their individual needs as well as their partner’s needs as equally important as his or her own. “When the seven day structure is balanced, there is less need to keep score,” Landon said.

A family structured on partnership has allowed both Landon and Holly to function in patterns that lead to better individual and relational health. With less energy focused on who is doing what, or wondering if their partner is doing enough, both individuals find space to work on their own wellbeing. Less attention goes toward “what needs done” and instead is directed toward working through their own “stuff.” From that place of health, they can support and encourage their partner and children, feeding a healthier cycle of living.

In honor of love, Landon and Holly revere the wisdom of Khalil Gibran on the spaces between lovers:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

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Recipe: Golden Milk

Recipe: Golden Milk

Recipe: Golden Milk

You can find a few of us in the office starting the day with this delicious, nourishing, and warming start to the day. It has its roots as an Ayurvedic staple (Ayurveda is the sister-science to yoga, rich with ancient wisdom), but functional health experts tout its benefits, too. The herbs and spices involved are great for warming the body, decreasing inflammation, and amping up your immunity – perfect for these seasons when you spend more hours indoors, sharing air (and germs) with other people. 
You can search variations of this recipe, but here’s what our yoga instructor, Michele, puts in her cup:

2 cups unsweetened almond milk (if you tolerate dairy well, then using cows milk is fine, especially when warmed)
1-2 tablespoons honey or real maple syrup
1-2 tsp. ground tumeric (if you can find fresh or dried, even better!)
1 1-inch piece fresh ginger, sliced open
1/2 tsp. ground nutmeg
1/2 tsp. ground cardamom
1/4 tsp. black pepper (or one turn of your grinder)
1 cinnamon stick
2 tbsp. ghee (or coconut oil)

Bring this to slight boil and let simmer. Pour it through a strainer into your mug and enjoy as a start or an end to the day. 

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